BACK SOON...SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG!

Just having some time and personal issues.

Friendship Skills

Giving children the tools needed to develop friendship skills today helps mold who they become as adults tomorrow.

Parent’s behavior (role model) will play an important part of what our children learn here. How we deal and talk with our friends and our family will give children a behavioral foundation to work from. Teaching manners, being respectful of other people’s feelings, cultural and racial diversities are all important for helping our children, to have success as adults in the world today.

Here are some great links…

Focus On Your Child
http://www.focusonyourchild.com/

U.S. Department of Education
http://www.ed.gov/parents/academic/help/adolescence/part9.html

Sandbox Learning
http://www.sandbox-learning.com/Default.asp?Page=128

Kids Health
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/tolerance.html

Family Education
http://life.familyeducation.com/sports/parenting/36484.html?detoured=1

Parental Alienation

This topic is a sensitive issue to discuss. Recognising the signs, symptoms and the damage it can do are important factors in stopping and getting help for your child/children.



With permission from Gene C. Colman's Family Law Centre http://www.4famlaw.com/index.html...

WHAT IS PARENTAL ALIENATION?

Classic parental alienation may be characterized as follows:

1. There is persistent rejection or denigration of the parent by the child – not just an occasional episode.

2. The rejection is irrational (i.e. Alienation is not a reasonable response to the alienated parent’s behaviour).

3. The child tends to demonstrate no ambivalent feelings.

4. The child tends to use language strikingly similar to the alienating parent. Often, such language will be age inappropriate for that child.

5. The child aligns unconditionally with the alienating parent.

6. The child fails to display any guilt or sensitivity to the alienated parent’s feelings. Gifts are often rejected.

7. The alienating parent successfully spreads the animosity not just to the other parent, but also to his family, friends, etc.

(The above seven point list is summarized and paraphrased from Ian Turkat: Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Review of Critical Issues (2002), 18-1 Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, pp. 131 - 176.)

Dr. Richard Warshak, one of the world’s leading authorities on parental alienation, echoes Turkat’s characterization. In Dr. Warshak’s words: “alienated children relate to one parent, but not the other, in a consistently negative manner”. According to Dr. Warshak, a child is not alienated when the hostility and apparent rejection:

· Is temporary and short-lived rather than chronic

· Is occasional rather than frequent

· Occurs only in certain situations

· Coexists with expressions of genuine love and affection

· Is directed at both parents

Dr. Richard Gardner, another leading expert applies the term “Parental Alienation Syndrome” or “PAS” to children who reject a parent without justification and under the influence of the other parent.

Even if your child does not fit within Turkat or Warshak’s description of parental alienation, or Dr. Gardner’s use of the term PAS, you may be observing the warning signs of parental alienation in your own family. If you are concerned that you are heading towards a situation where you might become alienated from your children, educate yourself on what the early signs are, and how to deal with them. One parent’s conscious (or even unconscious) campaign to poison the children against the other can escalate very quickly and be shockingly effective.

WHAT CAN I DO?

If you and your child suffer from parental alienation, you should employ the services of a health professional familiar with parental alienation. How you as the target parent deal with the situation could play a crucial role in determining the ultimate outcome in your family conflict. The most important thing the target parent must do is maintain contact with the child(ren). Beyond that, in
“Divorce Poison”, Dr. Warshak gives the following general advice on how to increase the chances of reversing a case of alienation:

· Don’t lose your tempter, act too aggressive, or harshly criticize your children.

· Don’t counter-reject your children by telling them that if they don’t want to see you, you don’t want to see them.

· Don’t allow the children and your ex to dictate the terms of your contact with them. Don’t wait patiently until the children feel “the time is right” for them to see you. Alienated parents learn too late that the time is never right.

· Don’t spend your time with the children trying to talk them out of their negative attitudes. Engage in conflict-free, pleasurable interaction instead.

· Don’t dismiss the children’s feelings or tell them that they’re not really angry or afraid of you. Although this may be true, the children will merely feel that you don’t understand them.

· Don’t accuse the children of merely repeating what the other parent has told them. Again, although this may be true, the children will vehemently deny it and feel attacked by you.

· Don’t bad-mouth your ex.

WHAT CAN THE LAW DO?

Sometimes, courts can help, but it is almost always an expensive process. In Ontario you should have outside evidence such as objective third parties who can comment on your formerly healthy and loving relationship with your child. You will also need people who can comment on what is happening now. In the ideal case, you will be able to find professionals (physicians, psychologists, teachers, etc.) who can help the court understand your situation.

The manner of presenting one’s case is crucial. Most cases will proceed by motion, and not by trial. The process to get to trial is often too lengthy given the urgency of these cases. In the Reeves case (noted below) it would appear that a cogent presentation of written evidence in admissible format is crucial to one’s success in motions court.

In many cases, however, going to court would be counterproductive. An alienated parent must seek professional advice (mental health and legal) to determine if their case is suited to a court-ordered resolution, and how to properly strategize the repair of the damaged parent-child relationship.

WILL THE COURTS SWITCH CUSTODY?

It is difficult to predict how far a court will go in switching the custody of a child, even in cases of severe parental alienation. Some cases show that there is hope: the courts have shown a willingness to reverse custody in certain cases. What these cases also show is just how important the factual situation is in affecting the outcome of any case involving parental alienation.

ONLINE RESOURCES AND RECOMMENDED READING

There are many other websites that address the problem of parental alienation. For a list of internet articles on Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome, see:

http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/info_pas.htm
http://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/parental-alienation-defined.html
http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/
Another excellent online resource with helpful links and articles is:

http://www.warshak.com/

I also highly recommend reading “Divorce Poison”, Dr. Warshak’s practical and accessible book targeted at parents at all stages of coping with Parental Alienation Syndrome.

See also: Parental Alienation Information Network - A concise compendium of resources on parental alienation.

Other Info...
http://www.wickedlocal.com/plymouth/homepage/x1925666102
http://www.canadianepc.com/goingforward.html
http://www.canlii.org/en/qc/qccs/doc/2006/2006qccs6536/2006qccs6536.html

Thank You To All of The Veterans, and to The Soldiers Who Are Fighting Today!

Children and Stress

In North America we have been focused on the Obesity Crisis, our Families face today. With this focus we should also look at the issues of stress our children are facing too. In some cases obesity and stress are tied together.

Here is a great question a parent asked a psychologist at Kids Have Stress Too....
http://www.kidshavestresstoo.org/index.php

"Question of the month. 11/20/00


What are some of the stresses that children experience in their daily lives?

It is important to identify what is bothering or upsetting a child. Children can feel
stressed by everyday problems such a losing or breaking something, being late,
fighting with sisters or brothers. Dealing with fears such as dogs or the dark can
also cause stress as well as moving to a new home or new school, performing in
front of others, making mistakes, and fear of failure.


Children may also experience chronic stress from situations that are beyond their
control, such as family changes due to divorce or death, health problems, tension
in homes, doing poorly in school,and being involved with too many activities or
having too many responsibilities.


Dr. S Jane Margles
Clinical Psychologist, York University
Trustee, Psychology Foundation of Canada"

Getting help for your Child is easier than ever before. If you recognize a problem address it right away. Talk with your child (Remember "EMPATHY"), and get the help needed if you cannot address the problems yourself.

Something I have learned, and was very relieved about, was how resilient my child is. Most children will recover, some quicker than others, with guidance and open lines of communication or professional help. Do not ignore the problem your child may have. It will not go away with the wave of a magic wand! There are many options for help, use them.

Other reading available...

"Kids Have Stress Too"
http://kidshavestresstoo.org/

"Primary Children Suffer Stress" (BBC)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/7039966.stm

"Anxiety In Children, Teen Stress and Teenage Depression" (Life Positive)
http://www.lifepositive.com/Mind/psychology/stress/anxiety-in-children.asp

"Childhood Stress" (KidsHealth.org)
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/stress.html

Empathy...HUH?

Empathy is one of the most important "listening" tools, when having a conversation with your child. Most children (and people) want to be heard and understood. Most to often we jump into what our child is trying to convey to us. JUST TO BE HEARD and REALLY UNDERSTAND how they are feeling, and the message they are delivering is what is important. The best anaology is they want you to wear their shoes!

Listen to what they are saying. Paraphrase..."so this is what you are telling me". Confirm that you are sympathetic to them..."I can see why you would be upset" or "What can I do to help you?" Too often we jump in, without even realizing it, and offer our expertise or opinion when it was not asked for. This is about them. Remember LISTEN.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy
http://www.acaciart.com/stories/archive6.html

Back To School

Ahhh it's almost here. The sweet sound of the school bell ringing. YIPPEEEEEE!!! Oh sorry Son just kidding (NOT!)

Organizing ourselves just before school starts and during the first couple of weeks of classes can be chaotic. Start planning early. Shop for clothes and don't get carried away. I don't know why some parents spend all that dough to have little Johnnie and Suzie look like they are ready to model for a children's catalogue. Get what they need. Some schools still supply workbooks and such. Don't go overboard buying school supplies. You will get a list of your child's needs when school starts. Here is a link to Family Education and Canadian Family which will help you plan your child's school year...

http://school.familyeducation.com/back-to-school/school/34528.html

http://www.canadianfamily.ca/articles/article/back-to-school-countdown/

School fees can be a hassle check with your local school board and see if they have subsidies for low income families, and apply if needed.

One of my big gripes is the flyer's Son comes home with from his school. See if the school will e-mail newsletters, bulletins and correspondence to you....saves them from getting lost and helps reduce waste.

Immunization is important. Keep your child's records updated. Most schools work with their local health authorities to immunize children. Here is a chart of an immunization schedule from the Government of Alberta...

http://www.health.alberta.ca/public/imm_routine-schedule.html