Parental Alienation

This topic is a sensitive issue to discuss. Recognising the signs, symptoms and the damage it can do are important factors in stopping and getting help for your child/children.



With permission from Gene C. Colman's Family Law Centre http://www.4famlaw.com/index.html...

WHAT IS PARENTAL ALIENATION?

Classic parental alienation may be characterized as follows:

1. There is persistent rejection or denigration of the parent by the child – not just an occasional episode.

2. The rejection is irrational (i.e. Alienation is not a reasonable response to the alienated parent’s behaviour).

3. The child tends to demonstrate no ambivalent feelings.

4. The child tends to use language strikingly similar to the alienating parent. Often, such language will be age inappropriate for that child.

5. The child aligns unconditionally with the alienating parent.

6. The child fails to display any guilt or sensitivity to the alienated parent’s feelings. Gifts are often rejected.

7. The alienating parent successfully spreads the animosity not just to the other parent, but also to his family, friends, etc.

(The above seven point list is summarized and paraphrased from Ian Turkat: Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Review of Critical Issues (2002), 18-1 Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, pp. 131 - 176.)

Dr. Richard Warshak, one of the world’s leading authorities on parental alienation, echoes Turkat’s characterization. In Dr. Warshak’s words: “alienated children relate to one parent, but not the other, in a consistently negative manner”. According to Dr. Warshak, a child is not alienated when the hostility and apparent rejection:

· Is temporary and short-lived rather than chronic

· Is occasional rather than frequent

· Occurs only in certain situations

· Coexists with expressions of genuine love and affection

· Is directed at both parents

Dr. Richard Gardner, another leading expert applies the term “Parental Alienation Syndrome” or “PAS” to children who reject a parent without justification and under the influence of the other parent.

Even if your child does not fit within Turkat or Warshak’s description of parental alienation, or Dr. Gardner’s use of the term PAS, you may be observing the warning signs of parental alienation in your own family. If you are concerned that you are heading towards a situation where you might become alienated from your children, educate yourself on what the early signs are, and how to deal with them. One parent’s conscious (or even unconscious) campaign to poison the children against the other can escalate very quickly and be shockingly effective.

WHAT CAN I DO?

If you and your child suffer from parental alienation, you should employ the services of a health professional familiar with parental alienation. How you as the target parent deal with the situation could play a crucial role in determining the ultimate outcome in your family conflict. The most important thing the target parent must do is maintain contact with the child(ren). Beyond that, in
“Divorce Poison”, Dr. Warshak gives the following general advice on how to increase the chances of reversing a case of alienation:

· Don’t lose your tempter, act too aggressive, or harshly criticize your children.

· Don’t counter-reject your children by telling them that if they don’t want to see you, you don’t want to see them.

· Don’t allow the children and your ex to dictate the terms of your contact with them. Don’t wait patiently until the children feel “the time is right” for them to see you. Alienated parents learn too late that the time is never right.

· Don’t spend your time with the children trying to talk them out of their negative attitudes. Engage in conflict-free, pleasurable interaction instead.

· Don’t dismiss the children’s feelings or tell them that they’re not really angry or afraid of you. Although this may be true, the children will merely feel that you don’t understand them.

· Don’t accuse the children of merely repeating what the other parent has told them. Again, although this may be true, the children will vehemently deny it and feel attacked by you.

· Don’t bad-mouth your ex.

WHAT CAN THE LAW DO?

Sometimes, courts can help, but it is almost always an expensive process. In Ontario you should have outside evidence such as objective third parties who can comment on your formerly healthy and loving relationship with your child. You will also need people who can comment on what is happening now. In the ideal case, you will be able to find professionals (physicians, psychologists, teachers, etc.) who can help the court understand your situation.

The manner of presenting one’s case is crucial. Most cases will proceed by motion, and not by trial. The process to get to trial is often too lengthy given the urgency of these cases. In the Reeves case (noted below) it would appear that a cogent presentation of written evidence in admissible format is crucial to one’s success in motions court.

In many cases, however, going to court would be counterproductive. An alienated parent must seek professional advice (mental health and legal) to determine if their case is suited to a court-ordered resolution, and how to properly strategize the repair of the damaged parent-child relationship.

WILL THE COURTS SWITCH CUSTODY?

It is difficult to predict how far a court will go in switching the custody of a child, even in cases of severe parental alienation. Some cases show that there is hope: the courts have shown a willingness to reverse custody in certain cases. What these cases also show is just how important the factual situation is in affecting the outcome of any case involving parental alienation.

ONLINE RESOURCES AND RECOMMENDED READING

There are many other websites that address the problem of parental alienation. For a list of internet articles on Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome, see:

http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/info_pas.htm
http://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/parental-alienation-defined.html
http://www.parental-alienation-awareness.com/
Another excellent online resource with helpful links and articles is:

http://www.warshak.com/

I also highly recommend reading “Divorce Poison”, Dr. Warshak’s practical and accessible book targeted at parents at all stages of coping with Parental Alienation Syndrome.

See also: Parental Alienation Information Network - A concise compendium of resources on parental alienation.

Other Info...
http://www.wickedlocal.com/plymouth/homepage/x1925666102
http://www.canadianepc.com/goingforward.html
http://www.canlii.org/en/qc/qccs/doc/2006/2006qccs6536/2006qccs6536.html

The Rights of Children

The Rights of Children of Separation and Divorce



1) THE RIGHT to be treated as an important human being, with unique feelings, ideas and desires and not as a source of argument between parents.

2) THE RIGHT to a sense of security and belonging derived from a loving, nurturing environment that is free of negative social influences such as drugs, alcohol, crime, bigotry and weapons in the home.

3) THE RIGHT to a continuing relationship with both parents and their extended families, based on a fair and just arrangement that will provide the opportunity to have a meaningful relationship with both parents, which includes the freedom to receive and express love for both.

4) THE RIGHT to have “listening parents” who work cooperatively in the best interest of the child as well as all members of the family.

5) THE RIGHT to express love and affection for each parent without having to stifle that love because of fear of disapproval by the other parent.

6) THE RIGHT to flourish in an atmosphere free of disrespect, exploitation and neglect.

7) THE RIGHT to know that their parents’ decision to separate or divorce is not their responsibility.

8) THE RIGHT to continuing care and guidance from both parents, where they can be educated in mind, nourished in spirit, developed in body and surrounded by unconditional love.

9) THE RIGHT to honest answers to questions about their changing family relationships.

10) THE RIGHT to know and appreciate what is good in each parent without one parent degrading the other.

11) THE RIGHT to a relaxed, secure relationship with both parents without being placed in a position to manipulate one parent against the other.

12) THE RIGHT to have parents who will not undermine the child’s time with the other parent by suggesting tempting alternatives or by threatening to withhold activities or parenting time as a punishment for the child’s wrongdoing.

13) THE RIGHT to be able to experience regular and consistent parental contact and the right to know the reason for not having regular contact.

14) THE RIGHT to be a child, to be insulated from parental conflicts and problems.

15) THE RIGHT to be taught, according to their developing levels, to understand values, to assume responsibility for their actions, and to cope with the consequences of their choices.

16) THE RIGHT to be able to participate in their own destiny and to be taught about their family’s culture and history.

17) THE RIGHT to be able to contact any parent, or any member of either parent’s extended family without unreasonable objection or interference from either parent.

18) THE RIGHT to be listened to by legal authorities and to have their age appropriate wishes and preferences made known to any court of law.

19) THE RIGHT to be supported and cared for, both financially and emotionally, by one’s own parents and extended family as the first option before any involvement of the government or other third party.

20) THE RIGHT to be assisted by competent third parties whose responsibility it is to protect or advocate for children and to be provided this assistance by the parties without prejudice or bias in favor of, or against, either of the parents.

Courtesy of the Family Conflict Resolution Services

www.Parental-Alienation-Awareness.com